Google Search: Randy Gardner: nihilist/realist

[The Surgeon]

*
Like stone i sit on the couch
A mass of skin, bones and organs,
or just dead weight.
Sometimes, theyre just the same thing.

The world record for consecutive hours of sleeplessness is 264 by a 17 year old highschool student named Randy G. in 1964.

I take the red pills to chill out
I take the blue ones to explore the mind
and I take the little yellow one to peek into other dimensions.
(enough about me, lets talk about you)
My doctor recomends i seek medical attention,
and my banker says i should start saving for the future.

Theres smoke around my brain
and black dots spotting my lungs.

Theres ink on my arms too,
I think i'll be alright...

How do you know that John Goodman is a bad actor?
Tuesday, Blue bottle day.
What does the devil wear on the weekend?
Yellow, its a friday.
Ever levitated? I have.
Its called, Sunday

All white room
2,400sq. foot appartment
No working lights.
Just a window overlooking 83rd street
Just the brick frame around the clouds
And that spot where a pigeon took a shit on the window sill.
I have piles of books (and a leaking water pipe just above my kitchen)
and the only thing hanging on these walls is that diploma by the fireplace
3.9gpa at Princton med school, thank you much.
Whats today?
Wednesday?
Alright, I need to get going,
We have a triple bypass surgery to do at noon
a handful of kids to give birth to
a smoke break or two
and rumor has it theres an a lung transplant patient being flown in this tonight.
I get back friday?
excellent, i can't wait!

suppose now is as good a time as any to get existential.

Just a general post...

It sounds weird, but times are changing.
This time it doesnt seem to bother me as much as it use to (thats my hard callused skin coming into play).
I do feel different.
Much more frequently i find myself feeling like an adult, being treated like an adult, being in adult situations, and making adult decisions.
Lifes funny like this, over and over again.

I've discovered reflecting on my past.
I really did have a good childhood. The older I get, the more I've been realizing that. My family is by no means the normal family, it just took the all my teen years to realize this. Portage isn't a bad city at all, and my parents did a fantastic job with me. Wow, my family is the model of how families should function. We are the Cleaver family. Its really something to sit back and realize how this happens.

The down side, i've been learning life lessons at a slower rate than others, meaning i get to make my mistakes now while theyll be years ahead of me. Suburbia certainly has its perks, and so does 'the real world'.
The weirdest shit in life is bound to happen, in all its gloriousness and shittyness.
No matter where you are in life, its definatly important to take a step back and just laugh at how everything comes together and how unprobable everything thats happened really was.

Lifes been good to me more than i know for my entire life.
Im getting better at being me, and figuring out what i want.
I really wouldnt trade my life for that of anyone else. (and i think this is the first time i've said that.)

My purpose in life: To be happy & to make others happy.
I really just want to live life.
Meet new people and learn everything about them.
Learn everything there is to know.
I want to know others perspectives on things, because really, it can be quite enlightening.
I'd by lying to you if i said i had no regrets,
but i'm far more than content with where i am in life right now.
I've been given every reason to smile, and thats exactly what i plan to do.

S.O.S "Iceberg"

[The Navigator. pt II]

Its been a week.
A week with my eyes closed
my hands nestled behind my head
and a smile that connects my ears.

Vacations like this don't happen often for me.
While i'm just enjoying myself in my quarters
The thought that the ocean is pressing down on me
and that my air here is limited
never even crossed my mind.

There is an accepted danger to these depths,
I could lose all radio contact
or have my image blurred by the waves above.
I'll worry about all these things later,
but honestly, its half the reason i chose to sink to areas like this.

The morse code message this morning read:
- .... . -.-- .----. ...- . / -... . . -. / - .- .-.. -.- .. -. --. / .- -... --- ..- - / -.-- --- ..- .-.-.- / - .... . -.-- .-. . / --. --- .. -. --. / - --- / -.. .-. --- .-- -. / -.-- --- ..- .-.-.- / - .... . -.-- / .-- .- -. - / - --- / -... .-. .. -. --. / -.-- --- ..- / -.. --- .-- -. / ..-. --- .-. / .-.. --- ...- .. -. --. / --- -. . / --- ..-. / - .... . .. .-. / --- .-- -. .-.-.-

...one of their own
...one of their own
...one of their own
It's not just dots & dashes, I knew exactly what it meant.
Fuck this telegraph.

Maybe the vacations over.
But i'm not surfacing for long,
soon i'll sink again
and get back to my dreamlike state.
I'm going to slow time down again.

no, dont raise the periscope just yet,
i'm still breathing just fine.

The lonesome Scientist in the castle atop the hill and by the river. [Modern Medicine]. An introduction to living and dying a pre-req to Heaven&Hell.

~~~~~

Experiment 1a.
Subject: (John Doe 38)Earl Grey
Description: To see if he can take a lazer beanm to his face.
5,8,40,45,48
Time: any time of night

Operation A: To switch a test patients mind with mouse brain.
.To lie detect the walls of their house
.To look into the mind with a telescope hose
.To laminate the brain waves in radiation paste
.To drink the blood of her majesty's neck to test her taste

Conclusion: This experiment hypothesis was decicivly inconclusive
>his insides continued to run
>>he gave us the light, and the sun continued to burn
>>>We checked his pulse after he'd been drugged, beaten and called a monster for simply living.
>>>>Under the cover of the moon, his bones were thrown into incineration room.

[ex. 4]

~~~End~~~

Intent and Intentions

That cupid's only love was an accident,
may be true,
or what would be his murder/suicide scene
became movement in the silky sheets
only proves the universe works to contradict itself.

That a God's arrow can speed through the air with precision.
That a fearless soldier aims; poised to shoot.
[We dont make mistakes, mistakes make us.]

That the green eyes of a woman can make your heart skip;
1, 2, 3 beats (breath in, breath out). The muscle doesnt stop.
Time only slows.
That dizzy feeling is you being shoved back into reality.

That a God can become a man for a moment,
or man can become a God
all in the name of love...
That the soldier blinks only for a second
but receives a nearly fatal shot to the heart
from a quick glance of an innocent dreamer.

There's no equation.
Just a begining and an end
that puzzles physicists and doctors alike,
while keeping us all on our feet.

leagues below the ordinary; paging Captian Nemo

[The Navigator]
Its that feeling of seperation that divides us.
we all have our on and off days
but the off days are off the radar,
while the on days barely show up on the screen.
(a green dot on a map of greener dots)
an almost invisible S.O.S. call from a stranded ship.

its this feeling that's led me to my submarine.
i surface only briefly for my essentials
then dissapear to the bottom of the sea.
an outcast above sea level,
invisible below.

Walk along the shore after a storm, and you'll see the freaks that frequent my domain.
Species you wont find in books.
Freaks of the sea.
my extended family.
outcasts that evolved to live a life of solitude.

Here i can spend my days away from judgment.
here i'm as normal as normal can be.
free to be my excentric self
free to waste my days inches away from the crushing pressure of the sea.

I'm below Poseidon's realm.
here, i've never felt so alive
and accepted.

In the beginning there was nothing...

[the astronaut]
The thought of light sickened him.
He wished the filiment had never been invented.
He hoped Thomas Edison burned in hell.
He wished electricity would seize to exist,
and that Benjamin Franklin's mom had perfected the abortion.
If the sun were to explode, he would smile.
If we lived in a black hole, well, he wouldnt do much of anything,
but he loved the idea.

Genesis 1:1 - 1:4 were torn from his Bible,
Burned and extinguished.
The irony.
There was light, and it was beautiful, and then it burned out.
Playing God wasn't easy.
"Let there be light." and there was;
"Let there be no light." and then there was not.
It was like seeing into the future.
The black ash on the floor
The black tint of the sky.

Everything made sense.
Everything was going to be alright,
in time.

[Enter] Duke... The Dreamer

[1]
The hallway to his bedroom was littered with family photographs. Most of them relatives, but a few were of his dad grinning with a celebrity. Duke didn't know why they were there or who they were there to impress. Guess his father just liked remembering that feeling of being someone. A certain importance.

He got to his room, at the end of the short hall. Marched to his bed, and layed face up. With no lights on, he could stare at the glow-in-the-dark stars his little sister had helped put on the cealing when they were both much younger. Bed was so looked foreward to. The connection between head and pillow was almost magnetic. As if physics itself were tempting the two to come together... a magnetic attraction. Protons and electrons did the lustful dance of adultry every time he called it a night. The pillow softly kissing his cheek, he was free to dream, and dream he did.

Astronauts use to come to him in dreams. The messenger... The Appolo and interpreter of the Gods. At a round table sat
Engineers
Politicians
Revolutionaries
Fortune Tellers
Scientists
Scholars
Saints
Martyrs
& of course astronauts.

He tosses and turns as the point-counterpoint creates more confusion than a cure for the school day duldrums. Politics play far too much a role in their decisions of what he'll become. They build a model.. an ever changing interactive statue of what Duke should be. No pressure... no pressure. Even lead can turn to diamonds under pressure. Granite or Gold should be elementary at this point.

Every time he wakes up he is already home alone. School is an hour away, so he sits perched on the hood of his car and smokes a cigarette. " Are you addicted to them?" people always ask. The answer is always no, but increasingly he knows the answer should be yes. He knows things are getting bad when no amount of listerine and toothpaste concoction can help get his breath to smell fresh. Now with the smell of death, decay and rot spilling out with all his words, self consciousness has reached new levels.

They dont get him through school, they dont put a kick in his step. His dad calls him 'Hollywood' for his addiction. "make you look real cool, huh... like that errr, that Brad Pitt character, eh?" then he mumbles something under his breath and walks away. No matter what, he walks away after every conversation.

Preface

This is my blog. There, now that we got that out of the way, lets continue...

This being the first post, i'm not entirely sure where to start. Do I stretch back in time to the beggining of my memory? No, no one cares about my early life up to this point, as surely it would bore both you and myself.
Perhaps I'll start by reflecting over the wonderfulness that is Christmas break. This being in the more recent history it seems much more practical. But do I want to bore either of us with my day to day happenings? Not really. But seeing as I have no precident for these things yet, i'll play this post, and likely the next few by ear until I get into the groove of things. So, Christmas break, here we go. (sit down, have your seats in the up and locked position, please be sure to have your seatbelts on and tightened, and make sure your luggage is stowed away under your seat. Thumbs up? lets do this)

Christmas break came and went just like passing of the seasons (which I think we witnessed over break as well, seing as how the snow has already melted and I think I heard geese traveling back north the other day). Its been quite the whirlwind of events. For me to tackle everything that happened in detail would be ridiculous. I'm not here to write a novel... shit, what am I here for?
Ok, back to business.
The highlights.
The end of December brought me grades. Marvelously average grades.
It brought the thinning (and then re-thickening) of my wallet.
I got real old. Celebrated being 20 by playing the original nintendo o'er at Calebs house while having casual conversation over a glass of his finest imported beer. (we're so classy it hurts sometimes)
Mel and I dominated Bittersweet Mt.
& Schat, Sean and I along with a few others dominated many a sledding hill.
injuries aside, lets continue...

The new year came in style,
and so did the 20th year in a row of a meaningless midnight kiss. (a streak i'd be glad to break in the near future)
also, when did new years become such a patriotic holiday?
with the new year, resolutions were made.
(my only resolution was to come up with a good solid resolution soon)
hanging out with friends
and catching up on old times
is probably my favorit thing these days.
Got my ear pierced today. Guess that makes me a man. yay...

the future freaks me out.

My mind isn't the most organized place these days.
A whirlwind of shit swirling around in a tornadic like fashion.
things are making sense. things make no sense.(like this post)
its a tumultuous time in my head.
soon things will settle.
shit will make sense again.
i'll re-figure out religion and use a telescope atop a tall hill to view my future. (maybe feed some birds while i'm up there...)
then i'll do a little dance, and on with my life.


hey,
good talk.
bring it in now. real slow.
its been real.
-Brent